Regrets

My biggest regret is not spending more time with you. Thinking in my adolescent mind that your life wouldn't end in your youth. That your life was in the hands of God, only having him pick you up between his thumb and index finger, all too swiftly. None of us even saw you leaving... You were just gone. No 'goodbye' or 'see you later'... Just... The loudest goodbye silence can sing.

I remember getting so upset at you when you were sick and thinking that your 'ailment' was a lame excuse to get people to feel sorry for you... How I wish I could take that back, more than anything in this world of mine, but you can't take feelings back... Only learn from them. We all thought you were just sick in the way a child gets a cold and is under the weather for a few weeks, but we were all awakened by the news like fire alarms at 3 in the morning.

I have anxiety now because of this and I'm so damn upset with myself because of the things I thought and the bitter feelings I felt. I lay awake crying at night just thinking of scenarios of things that could've been real things and thoughts that could've been actions if only I'd stop feeling sorry for myself and showed you how much I really loved you.

I wanted the world for you and honestly, if I could, I would've volunteered to go through what you went through because I don't deserve this life. You were the sweetest, funniest, most real, genuine person... And me? I flip people off who don't use their blinker and skip school so I can sleep more. You deserved to get married and bring life into this world, not any of this bullshit you dealt with...

If I could say one thing to you, it would be thank you. Thank you for being my only friend for years, thanks for being the only one who didn't laugh at me when I got those ridiculous bangs. Thank you for showing me that lying isn't the best way to handle things. Thank you for showing me that sometimes life is hard, but I never saw you without a smile painted on your face, even though I could see right through that thick streak of oil based paint, I could tell at least you were trying. Thank you for listening to my pointless rants and endless discussions about stuff I couldn't even begin to remember.

Most importantly, just thank you for teaching me that it's okay to be me.

It was like I was the world, but you were the entire universe when it came to knowledge and the unknown. To me, that meant everything, the fact that you were just there.

I know you are up there looking down at my saying, "It's not your time, and if you only knew what you were going to do, you'd appreciate the fact your still there" Believe me... I cherish life just as much as the next broken hearted, unappreciative teenaged girl, but I just wish I could be living it with you by my side.

I do believe there is a heaven, and I do believe everything happens for a reason, I guess I'll never understand the reason you left us so young until I'm up there with you looking at the final road map of my life.

God... If you are there... Okay I've learned my lesson, give me my best friend back. Consider it lesson learned. I will never take advantage of people in my life again. Please... Just give her back to me, because I miss her. I want to see her, and talk to her, and hear her laugh just because I'm tired of not laughing at jokes, because her laugh was the flu being so contagious.

I guess this post is about how I've had to learn my lesson the hardest way... Through experience.

So please... Go home and hug your mom, tell your crush you like them and call your sister more often, text your best friend and say you're glad they are in your life... Because life is hard, but it becomes so much harder when you break your leg, only to have your crutch be ripped out of what remains of your already damaged grasp.

Just start to appreciate people in your life before they're gone and all you can do is regret the things you should've said.